Assholes

It seems we need a reminder, so here’s an updated list of things. What kind of things? Well, these are things which–if you do them–make it perfectly fine to label you as an asshole. Don’t want to be an asshole? Start by not doing these things.

–Post spoilers. We’re all glad that you have time to watch The Walking Dead as it airs. But for people with kids, jobs, lives, can’t afford cable, etc–they have to watch later. Telling everyone what happens without giving a shit about their enjoyment of the show makes you an asshole. Stop being an asshole.

–Bullshit. Making ridiculous, bullshit assertions online probably already makes you an asshole. But if you’re asked for facts to back up your buffoonery and reply “Hey, I’m not gonna do your research for you,” you are an asshole. Don’t make absurd statements if you can’t back them up with facts. And by “facts,” I don’t mean FOX news, Brietbart, Blaze, or any other bullshit rag. Also, you’re not being a “devil’s advocate,” nor are you “just sayin’.” Stop being an asshole.

–Make fun of someone’s shitty job. Everyone needs money to live (unless you’re a rich asshole or someone else is paying your way). Mocking someone for the degrading job they have, the paltry money they receive, or the horrible treatment they get from customers or bosses is NOT funny. Don’t make fun of people for working–especially if you’re also the kind of asshole that talks shit about people who get SNAP, disability, or unemployment. Stop being an asshole.

–Turn every discussion into extremes. Gun control does not mean “take everyone’s guns away and never let anyone have them again.” Pro-choice doesn’t mean “taxpayer funded abortions for everyone.” Saying no subject is off limits for comedy doesn’t mean it’ll be a celebration of racism, sexism, transphobia, etc. Everyone you don’t like isn’t Hitler. Everyone who disagrees with you is not “oppressive.” Stop being an asshole.

–Your kids. I like kids, honestly I do. But when you let them come into my house and trash the place because you’d rather smoke my pot than watch them–you’re not just being an asshole. You’re teaching assholery to a new generation. Sure, dropping something is an accident–which is why the kid was told not to pick it up in the first place. No, I don’t expect a small child to know better. I expect you, the fucking parent, to know better and act accordingly. Stop being an asshole.

–Borrowing shit. Not everything I own is okay for borrowing. Stop making that face. We’ve probably all lost shit to “borrowing,” and it sucks. It may not be personal that I’m not letting you borrow a signed, numbered copy of something. But even if it is, I’m under no obligation to let anyone take my shit out of my home. Stop being an asshole about it.

–Lying. I know a lot of the same people you know. So if you’re out there spewing crap about people I love (or me), we’ll all find out about it eventually. I’m genuinely sorry that the giant chip on your shoulder prevents you from being honest. But if you make it my problem, you may be shocked at how thoroughly I remove you from my life. And you have yourself to blame–because you were an asshole.

–“Sorry, not sorry.” Fuck you. Just fuck you. Sorry, not sorry the current “I’m not racist but…” or “I’m not a complete asshole, but…” Sorry, not sorry to be the one to break it to you–but you ARE a complete asshole. Stop it.

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