It’s time once again for me to address some of the utter crap that’s been going around the Internets of late, mostly to get it off my ample chest. Because people are lazy and mean and dumb, and I like to think I’m smarter, more active, and kinder than most (based on no factual evidence, just me and my intellectual vanity wishing). For the purposes of this post, I shall refer to the Internet as if they are a cohesive collective–while knowing that, of course, they aren’t.
Internet: “Why do they have to remake everything?”
Wednes: “For money. Movies are a business. Businesses work to make money. Duh.”
Internet: “Can’t Hollywood think of anything new and original???”
Wednes: Can’t YOU? You say this same shit every goddamn time a remake comes out. Besides, originality is not the same as good. How many times have we seen a cool new concept squandered by mediocre filmmaking or a godawful screenplay? #Pixels You might as well say “Why do they have to base so many movies on books? Can’t they write their own?”
Internet: “People shouldn’t be playing this game in [place where serious historical things have happened]. It’s disrepectful.”
Wednes: No, they probably shouldn’t be. So why are there catchable animals hiding at these places?
Internet: “This is stupid. Why are adults doing this when [tragic world event that commenter has done nothing about] is going on?!?”
Wednes: If you think adults playing a fun game is stupid, how exactly would you categorize going online to complain about it? Also, complaining about others doing something other than charity work is just empty preening bullshit unless you posted it while simultaneously doing charity work.
Internet: “MY RUINED CHILDHOOD?!?!11/1!?!?!”
Wednes: If this is the thing that ruined your childhood, I don’t know how to adequately express how charmed your life must have been or how fucking batshit stupid you are now. Remakes do NOT ruin the original thing; and they certainly don’t ruin the first time you watched it. If you’re honestly letting this “ruin” anything for you, you’re a mewling child looking for reasons to feel wronged. Here, I’ll help: Happy Holidays!
Internet: “They’re making it with women just to be PC.”
Wednes: So now it’s “PC” to acknowledge that women do things? The only reason to depict women as anything other than a love interest, sex object, or funny fat friend is because of “political correctness?” We must be up to 5% female lead characters at this point in movie history–and it’s astounding how many dudebros feel legit threatened by that. Yes, you all go right on telling yourselves that female characters (along with racial minorities, gay/bi/trans folk, those with disabilities, etc) are only in movies to appease whiners. Congratulations. You just demonstrated that many types bias are alive and well, while announcing that you’d prefer that we not do anything about that.
[specific demographic of the] Internet: “I happen to think ALL lives matter, because I’m not racist.”
Wednes: That’s bullshit, and I think you know that it’s bullshit. Anyone who says this is willfully missing the point. This can only be because they honestly believe that there’s no problem with police and racial profiling, police and the murder of minorities, or minorities and the criminal justice system at large. They have to feel it’s appropriate that for-profit prisons to create a demand for prisoners that is then met by railroading poor people (mostly, though surely not all) minorities and at-risk populations. People who are offered 18 months instead of 10 years for crimes they didn’t commit–and who take pleas so they don’t risk missing their kids growing up. People who get a total of 7 minutes to discuss their case with their PD. Anyone who believes in #AllLivesMatter seem to miss the point that responding to cries of “Stop Murdering Us” with ‘Come on, you guys have to be exaggerating. Cops have never done that to me or any of the middle-class white people I know.’ IS goddamn fucking racist. Even if you think all the cops in all those videos are justified. Even if you think every last victim deserved to be murdered because they moved their hand, refused to put out their cigarette, or “didn’t comply” quickly and humbly enough. It’s still racist to respond to “Please Don’t Shoot” with “This isn’t a big deal, and I’m sick of hearing about it.” Beyond racism, it just makes you an asshole.
Stop being an asshole.
[specific demographic of the] Internet: Cop Haters shouldn’t call a cop if they need one, because doing so makes them hypocrites.
Wednes: There’s a world of difference between “hating cops” and hating that murderers get to wear cop uniforms and get paid by taxpayers even after they murder someone. It’s not hating cops to be disgusted that there are otherwise good cops who cover for and defend those that aren’t. Everybody knows that there are good cops and bad cops, just like every job has good or bad employees. It’s just that cops are given guns and permission to use their discretion to kill if they need to. That means they deserve more scrutiny than those of us who aren’t. You’re not being kind to the good ones by pretending the bad ones don’t exist–nor are you hating on good cops by acknowledging that they do.
There. Now I feel better.Tags: america, movies, tv, videogames