I have a crush on James Comey

I’m one of those people who enjoys believing in things. I spent decades trying to find the right religion–the one that, upon hearing its tenets I immediately realized this was the thing I’d been looking for forever. Despite reading about every religion I could, past and present, I never found it. Eventually, I resigned myself to the fact that supernatural things are a wish, not a want, and that joining the Satanic Temple made the most sense. It didn’t require me to pretend to believe in anything stupid, and it actually did have a list of tenets I felt (and continue to feel) very strongly about. But this isn’t really a post about religion.

I want to believe that government, while made up of people who are shady and greedy, is essentially good. This began as a childish (because duh, I was a child) faith that grown-ups, especially “famous” grown-ups, had access to facts and learning that I didn’t. I thought rich people really were smarter and worked harder than most other people–probably because I was nine-years-old when Reagan got elected. Over the years, watching the government shit on poor people and minorities, watching the Tea Party lead a cadre of hateful morons into our highest offices, it became startlingly obvious that government wasn’t so great. In truth, it was no better or worse than most other organizations run by rich, white men. *pause for MRAs to flip the fuck out as people who think feelings are bullshit rail on about how upset I’m making them*

I still can’t help being attracted to men of high morals and ideals. Remember when that was Superman? But he’s been roundly usurped by Captain America. On TV, my good-government-guy crush was on Aaron Hotchner of TV’s Criminal Minds. Hotch doesn’t speak unless he has something vital to say. He doesn’t abide egos, he sticks to the facts and thinks all people are worthy of dignity, help, and respect. But like all things, my love of Hotch was doomed to end in sadness. Thomas Gibson, the guy who plays Hotch, turned out to be a cheaty, violent dickbag in real life. Sad!

But you know what? James Comey IS Hotch, a real-life one. Sure, he’s not a criminal profiler, but he’s def a man of high morality and ideals. I love that he takes his wife out to dinner and calls it “a date.” I love that he doesn’t use swears (my husband doesn’t either even though I’m an electrified swear-machine) and that he does the right thing no matter what–even when he doesn’t want to. Even when it can lead to bad things. Even when it means we’re stuck with a lunatic. That wasn’t his fault. Note: My saying this is not an invitation for anyone to tell me everything Comey has ever done that they don’t like. I don’t care. Don’t ruin this for me.
When he said, days before the 2016 election, that there might be something else up with Hillary’s Emails, ugh. I was so mad. He was ruining everything. Hell, I thought, Drumpf (I was still calling him that then) could actually win the election and then where would we be?!? Then he explained why he did it. And I had to be like, Damn, I really can’t argue with his logic..
Comey was never afraid of Trump. He just didn’t like him, didn’t trust him, and thought he ought to take copious notes after their meetings–which all sounded like giant WTFs. Even after he got fired, he never seemed mad. Just like, REALLY?!? If that firing had been a romantic breakup, the methodology would have made DJT a villain for the entire rest of his life. That would have been like, Phil Collins territory.

I follow Comey on Twitter now. He’s always saying telling things about justice, karma, and other things that might just be intended to get DJT’s goat. Ha! I just realized, he’s doing what Dumbledore does when he has to talk to people he doesn’t like. He’s unfailingly polite and dignified, even as his actions silently tell people to go fuck themselves.
Besides, Comey isn’t Mike Pence. He and I could probably go out for a burger without our spouses present, and he wouldn’t be frightened that my gender means I’m a ravenous amoral sex beast.
All things said and done, I would love to buy that man a beer.
And I don’t even like beer.

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